My transformation journey

(I have enjoyed the colors of nature so much. Lovely autumn.)

Before the biggest transformation of my life so far, for years I ran away from myself and unpleasant feelings by overdoing career work, well-being and even spirituality by looking for endless solutions, tips or techniques; "If I can now find a suitable formula for how to be happy and in perfect balance without feeling too much or too little". I was seeking external validation and happiness, which never filled that empty feeling inside me. I was a people pleaser and had a hard time saying “no” due to fear of being judged or abandoned. I didn't know what healthy boundaries meant.

I was controlling life and pursuing endless feelings of bliss, I was overachieving in an attempt to get praise from others, I had romantic relationships that were based a lot on trauma bonding and I never took time to heal because I was in such hurry fulfilling society's image of happiness. While at the same time, life patiently waited for me to surrender. There is nothing wrong with pursuing blissful experiences. I think it’s about finding the healthy balance that is good for us and being honest about why we do what we do. The more we seek the answers outside of us, the bigger lies we have to tell ourselves. Everything starts with being honest.

(Lovely atmosphere from the ceremony I held with Pia a while ago. I can't waith for our upcoming ceremonies<3)

I thought I knew a lot and had strong opinions about many things, but I had no idea how little I actually knew. It was somehow easier to be blind to myself than to be completely raw honest because honesty brought taking responsibility for my life and humility which I wasn't ready for. At that time, I didn't know how to love myself enough to believe that I deserved a dream life, and I didn't know what it was like to live in peace and how to process emotions. Of course, I still sometimes have my processes and adversities, but my approach to them is completely different than before. When fears come up, my fight/flight/freeze response, I can find calmness in me. And sometimes not (haha), then I allow myself to be a mess without any judgment.

I look at this time of my life with great warmth and love <3 I am glad that I have been able to experience so much in such a short time in my life. If old-Anna had read this text a few years ago, I would certainly understand this all mentally, but I would have no idea what this means on a deeper level, go through this and find myself on the other side.

Usually, our awareness is awakened through the pain because why change anything in ourselves and in life when it's too comfortable? Life includes discomfort and sometimes pain. Sometimes we drive ourselves into a corner or life pushes us there, then we can't help but raise our hands and start surrendering and turning inward. I believe we can’t force and pursue the awakening, it’s awakening that calls us. Meanwhile, it means being open to things, curious and ready to question everything we thought we knew, and at the same time being humble, grounded and rooted.

(Sohvi<3<3<3)